Sunday, 13 March 2011

where is the love? co-op, apparently.

Swans. Why?

Blimey, it’s been a long-ass time since I wrote anything on this blog. In the words of Gaga herself ‘I’m kinda busy’. However, I felt physically compelled to return to my keyboard to address the matter of these ridiculous Co-Op ads. No, I’m not referring to the vaguely period drama ones – I’m talking about the earnest two-part husband and wife his-and-hers specials that have plagued our screens for the past eternity or so.

The concept is simple: a psychotic husband goes on television – unbeknownst to his beleaguered yet still sort of a MILF wife – and starts blurting out all kinds of trivial but intimate details about their relationship. He blames supermarkets for the deterioration of their marriage, and the turgid joyless nature of their lives:

“I don’t want to do that massive weekly shop anymore. I don’t want us to sit in that traffic jam anymore.”

Hitting his stride, he babbles on, becoming increasingly less coherent and more hysterical. There is a sort of chilling madness in his eyes as the camera zooms in and, channelling Brontë’s Heathcliff, he all but screams:

“I don’t want to throw any more sausages away. I LIKE sausages!”

All of this is set against a backdrop of bizarre and disturbing imagery that appears to be only slightly relevant. As the husband informs the nation that he wants to “You know…” with his wife on a Saturday morning, pictures of lions chillaxing on the savannah flash to the fore.

No, we don’t know. We can only guess. You want to go to the zoo? You want to go on a safari? The Co-op thinks lions are sexy? Or, worse still, maybe he does, which would explain why the marriage has gone to shit – and by the way, if you’ve been together for 20 years, shouldn’t you be past the tentative ‘wink wink nudge nudge’ stage?

At any rate, this unfortunate woman publicly forgives her husband for exposing this sorry state of affairs – though she’s still not sold on that whole kinky lion sex thing. Presumably, the viewer at home is supposed to be left with the conclusion that supermarkets are evil, homewrecking divorce-peddlers and that Co-op is the only solution for marital discord.

In reality, we are left cold and puzzled. These two could clearly use a holiday, or maybe couples counselling.

Oh, and someone should probably tell them that Tesco deliver, too. 

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