Friday, 7 September 2012

an open letter to my friends with long-term partners

Dear friends with long-term boyfriends/girlfriends,

Congratulations. I'm happy for you. However, it behooves me to tell you that, frankly, you are not performing your singular most important duty, which is (in case you were not aware) now to play match-maker for your single friends, maybe with hilarious consequences, e.g. by introducing them to someone spectacularly incompatible called Norbert. Except don't actually do that.

The fact is, that whilst you may be happily living in domestic bliss, some of us happen to work in offices populated predominantly by balding middle-aged men who tuck their shirts into their trousers. Pickings are slim, people. Pickings are slim. So, it's time to step up to the plate. These eggs aren't going to fertilise themselves. Get to work.

Yours still ovulatingly,


P.S. I am not drunk

Saturday, 4 February 2012

'the winged menace' - seagulls frighten me

Much to my amazement, I recently tracked down this ridiculous article about EVIL SEAGULLS that I penned whilst at university for the student newspaper, The Badger. £21,000 of debt well spent. Click the thumbnail to expand!