delusion: a short dialogue

So do you think he likes me?

Well, I- I really can’t say, I mean-

Because the other day he said hello to me.

Did he, oh that’s a, that’s a good sign.

Yeah, and I think he sort of winked when he said it.

Right.

But it might’ve been a sneeze, I couldn’t really tell.

I see.

But I think we have like a really good chemistry, you know? Whenever our eyes meet when we’re walking down the corridor, and he looks away and sort of… grunts.

Grunts, right.

Yes, but you know in a sort of affectionate way, if you know what I mean.

An affectionate grunt, yes.

Of course we do have quite a bit in common too, we always get the same flavour trifle off the dessert shelf- and trifle, well. Trifle’s a very important element in any successful relationship.

Of course.

Only trouble is though, I think he’s got a girlfriend.

Oh no, really?

Yeah, you know Tracy, that slag from accounts?

Bitch from hell. Never liked her.

Tell me about it. But I’ve heard they’re going through a rocky patch at the minute, so…

So you’re practically in there.

Yep, completely. In the bag, slam dunk, I’m every woman it’s all in me, voulez-vous coucher avec moi.

You go girl.

So anyway, how’s your love life?

Well you know that guy I slept with the other night when I was wasted? I think he might call!

Oh yeah?

Yeah, well it said so in the horoscope.

my big fat pop song

It must be hard for pop songwriters. Having to plumb the depths of metaphor, to strive for something new and original in a genre that has been pumped, sampled and autotuned to hell/Ke$ha and beyond - to find imaginative and different ways to say 'I'm having fun in the club, DJ play my song, on the floor etc. etc.' ad nauseam. 

Perhaps that's why artists have taken to increasingly abstract themes in a bid to make their songs more interesting. Bruno Mars is blowing himself up for his evil girlfriend (he'd catch a grenade for ya), Katy Perry is getting it on with aliens in E.T. (Kanye West really knows how to woo the ladies: 'Pockets on Shrek, rockets on deck, tell me what’s next, alien sex. I’mma disrobe you, than I’mma probe you, see I abducted you, so I tell ya what to do') and Enrique Iglesias, well. He's a man of complex subtlety."Please excuse I don't mean to be rude, but tonight I'm fucking you." 

And they say chivalry is dead.

Anyway, it's all very well to mock, but could I actually do any better? Well, I tried. Using Katy Perry's E.T. as inspiration, I penned a sexy floor-filling tune about cleaning the kitchen. Enjoy.

'Fast-acting grease-removing love'

Boy, when you put on

Those marigolds

You know you set my soul on fire

Just the thought of you

Cleaning the kitchen

It’s like a hurricane of desire

(Chorus)

Oh baby baby yeah

Let’s get antibacterial

I want your, I want your

Fast-acting grease-removing love

Yeah that’s right

Make it hot

Oops I think you missed a spot

I want your, I want your

Fast-acting grease-removing love

See, my hob, yeah

It’s really dirty from that time when I cooked rice (oooooh rice yeah)

So baby, get the Fairy out

I think that it needs a scour

You and me can clean for hours

And boy, my microwave

It’s got some

Weird mouldy shit on it

Think I need another hit

Of your fast-acting grease-removing love

Oh baby baby yeah

Let’s get antibacterial

I want your, I want your

Fast-acting grease-removing love

Yeah that’s right

Make it hot

Oops I think you missed a spot

I want your, I want your

Fast-acting grease-removing love

where is the love? co-op, apparently.

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bees!!!

oh how the mighty have fallen

So, the great world powers have finally come together to show us what we all already knew: that nobody really likes each other; they especially don’t like Prince Charles, Chancellor George Osborne has the voice of a young Charlotte Church and Silvio Berlusconi is a one-man natural disaster. Isn’t teamwork lovely?

Perhaps the highlight of the Wikileaks exposé is the reaction of the US government to the very public airing of their dirty laundry – rather than oh, say, apologise for the backstabbing, duplicitous, two-faced and generally bitchy nature of their communications, they decide to cry “tell-tale” on Julian Assange and slap him with some completely unrelated yet oddly convenient sex charges. Naturally, it would be outrageous to suggest that this is a thinly-veiled smear campaign designed to Cover Their Asses, so I won’t. 

Of  course, anyone who has seen the classic Mean Girls and Cruel Intentions will know that writing bad things down about people always comes back to bite you on the posterior. Whether in the form of Ryan Phillipe getting tragically run over by a cab, or having your ‘Burn Book’ published by Rachel McAdams, there are always grave consequences for this sort of thing. Maybe teen films from the late 90s should be required watching for budding diplomats – either that or they should all learn to delete things. Hint: it’s that one there.

In any case, the Wikileaks scandal seems to have generated an exceptional amount of fuss, and whilst some of the leaked information is genuinely damaging to international relations, a lot of it is just obvious. Here are some of my favourites from the Guardian’s coverage:

“China is ready to accept Korean unification and is distancing itself from North Korea which it describes as behaving like a "spoiled child". Cables say Kim Jong-il is a "flabby old chap" losing his grip and drinking.”

…didn’t Team America do this one already?

“An official from the Commonwealth secretariat claimed Prince Charles is not respected in the same way as the Queen and questioned whether the heir apparent should necessarily succeed his mother as the head of the Commonwealth.”

No, really, Charles, you’re great. We love you. You just stay real, okay. Keep doing you. Oh, and sorry about your Rolls Royce, by the way.

“Osborne lacked gravitas and was seen as a political lightweight because of his "high-pitched vocal delivery" according to private Conservative polling before the election.”

Well, there are two options here. Pull a David Beckham and marry a Spice Girl (I hear Mel C is free) or simply have Arnold Schwarzenegger dub over all your speeches. Win-win. 

“Cameron said that under Labour "we let in a lot of crazies and did not wake up early enough."

‘Crazies’, right. So is that a technical term, or what?

attention citizens: give up life now, you can’t afford it.

The government today announced a controversial new policy to be implemented in 2012 – a tax on oxygen. The new tax will be means-tested and based on a sliding-scale model, with the aim of reducing excess respiration. It is thought that those prone to hyperventilation will be hardest hit under the new scheme.

David Shameron defended his decision to introduce the measure at a press conference earlier, amidst cries of dissention in the coalition ranks. “There simply is not room in the budget to make concessions for frivolities like breathing”, he asserted, with the support of his deputy, Dick Clegg, who added “Yes. What he said.”

Human rights organisations have voiced their concerns for the most vulnerable sectors of society, particularly those with asthma and similar conditions, whilst the Independent Bullshit Association has published a review which states that 20% of people think something or other.  

Shameron has also indicated that the new tax is only the first of a series of money-saving initiatives. “We will certainly be looking at further cuts in the key problem areas. Laughter, and such.” Meanwhile, the leader of the British National Party, Nick ‘We’re not racist really’ Griffin blamed it all on the foreigners, which everyone agreed was a breath of fresh air.  

this one goes out to all the ladies

Where’s a strong female role model when you need one? This is the question Kira Cochrane asked in the Guardian earlier this week, lamenting the sorry dearth of coverage on inspirational women in the press. “Over the last five years we have seen a media obsession with sex objects in turmoil” she writes, citing the usual suspects (and/or convicts, delete as applicable): Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Katie Price as examples of this bimbo-glorification phenomena. Cochrane references the website ‘Pinkstinks’, a who's-who of influential and successful women in various fields, which professes to campaign for 'real role models' for young girls. 

After perusing Pinkstinks for myself, it was much to my dismay that I hadn't heard of the majority of the women listed - and the ones that I had heard of didn't feel particularly relevant to me personally. I think it's wonderful that Venus and Serena Williams play a kick-ass game of tennis, but I have the approximate physical fitness of a slightly congealed jam donut. Female neurosurgeons? Wonderful. Except I still have nightmares about GCSE chemistry. 


It seems as though I'm caught between a rock and a hard place - namely surgery-addled, dysfunctional, underwear-challenged tabloid skanks and, at the opposite side of the spectrum, women who are so clever/pumped that they hurl me into a lengthy and depressing Bridget Jones-style bout of introspection about how much I suck by comparison.

This train of thought did, however, lead me to consider who my female role models are, and to compile them into a tentative Top 5. I should point out that this list does not include any of the legendary Rosa Parks, Virginia Woolfs, Mary Seacoles and assorted Suffragettes of the past - I have deliberately limited myself to modern pop culture icons, some real and some fictional. So! In no particular order:

1. CHERYL COLE
1. CHERYL COLE
1. CHERY- HELP ME 

1. J. K. ROWLING

"Writing for me is a kind of compulsion, so I don't think anyone could have made me do it, or prevented me from doing it."

Author of the Harry Potter series, this woman needs no introduction. As well as having written some of the most original and captivating children's novels ever (and subsequently making an enormous fortune from them) she is also a great philanthropist. Nuff respect.

2. NICKI MINAJ

                                   

"You could be the king but watch the queen conquer" - Monster

Nicki Minaj is pretty much the only female MC making any sort of impact on the predominantly male hip-hop scene at the moment. Though she has yet to release an album, she has already collaborated with some of the biggest names in music, including: Mariah Carey, Eminem, Jay-Z, Christina Aguilera, Kanye West, Lil Wayne, Drake, Will.I.Am and P Diddy, to name but a few. One to watch.

3. BUFFY SUMMERS

"See, I've had a lot of people talking at me in the last few days. Everyone just lining up to tell me how unimportant I am. And I've finally figured out why. Power. I have it." - Checkpoint, Season Five

Okay, admittedly she's not real, but the title character of Joss Whedon's Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a bona fide classic girl-power icon. Not only does she save the world whilst dispensing witty commentary, but she also faces the very real and human journey of growing up. ...All whilst somehow preserving immaculate hair and make-up. Classy.

4. TYRA BANKS

"I'm trying to build a strong business. I want to create new stars, new shows and new products for my audience and create a legacy that outlives me. There are so many other ways I want to reach women besides doing a talk show."


Creator and executive producer of America's Next Top Model, as well as CEO of her own independent television company (Bankable Productions), Tyra Banks is not just a pretty face, but also a shrewd and highly successful businesswoman. Aside from that, she's just hilarious. SMIZE, GIRLS. (That's 'smile with your eyes', for those who missed the induction)

5. JOAN HOLLOWAY

"That's life. One minute you're on top of the world, the next minute some secretary's running you over with a lawn mower." - Guy Walks Into an Advertising Agency, Season Three


 The fabulous Joanie from Mad Men rounds off my top five. Efficient, cutting, funny, incisive and (on occasion) fearsome, Joan holds her head up in the face of blatant sexism in the 1960s workplace. See also: HBIC.