Tuesday 26 October 2010

review: vampires suck



It’s official, vampires are taking over the world. Not traditional vampires however, no. The bloodsuckers of today have shucked their conventional grave-dirt-chic, unibrow-rocking, cape-furling, dentistry-deprived trappings, and now come neatly repackaged in a glossy form more palatable to the teen appetite. Gone are the days of Nosferatewwww. 2010 is the age of ambiguously pale models drinking Ribena. Oh sorry, did I say models? I meant talented actors. Ahem.

Between True Blood (admittedly superb), The Vampire Diaries (who knows) and Twilight (let’s not), it’s obvious that the undead have well and truly arrived – and as if to cement the vampire’s status as the modern metrosexual monster of choice (and therefore fair game), the 15th of October saw the release of Vampires Suck, a spoof of Stephanie Meyer’s disturbingly successful vampire saga, from the makers of Scary Movie. And the verdict? Sadly, after all this exposition, it is my anti-climactic duty to report that Vampires Suck sort of… well, sucked. Laughs were few and far between, and the script was heavily reliant on the sort of puerile slapstick gags that tend to elicit groans rather than giggles. 

That said; I don’t hold the writers entirely responsible for this failure. After all, let’s consider the material they had to work with. It would take an infinite number of monkeys on an infinite number of typewriters approximately two minutes to reproduce the entire Twilight saga, and they wouldn’t need the typewriters – just some paper, and perhaps a crossword to pass the time. Twilight is already so crap that there’s very little scope for comedy exploitation there. It can’t possibly lend itself to a pisstake, because its very existence is a pisstake – which means that parodying it is a bit like shooting fish in a barrel. Far too easy, not particularly fun, and a watery mess.

Personally, I’d like to see an original take on the vampire theme. A Dalek/vampire hybrid would definitely strike fear into my heart – and the catchphrase practically writes itself. “EXSANGUINATE. EXSANGUINATE.” 

(Artist's impression)

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