my big fat pop song

It must be hard for pop songwriters. Having to plumb the depths of metaphor, to strive for something new and original in a genre that has been pumped, sampled and autotuned to hell/Ke$ha and beyond - to find imaginative and different ways to say 'I'm having fun in the club, DJ play my song, on the floor etc. etc.' ad nauseam. 

Perhaps that's why artists have taken to increasingly abstract themes in a bid to make their songs more interesting. Bruno Mars is blowing himself up for his evil girlfriend (he'd catch a grenade for ya), Katy Perry is getting it on with aliens in E.T. (Kanye West really knows how to woo the ladies: 'Pockets on Shrek, rockets on deck, tell me what’s next, alien sex. I’mma disrobe you, than I’mma probe you, see I abducted you, so I tell ya what to do') and Enrique Iglesias, well. He's a man of complex subtlety."Please excuse I don't mean to be rude, but tonight I'm fucking you." 

And they say chivalry is dead.

Anyway, it's all very well to mock, but could I actually do any better? Well, I tried. Using Katy Perry's E.T. as inspiration, I penned a sexy floor-filling tune about cleaning the kitchen. Enjoy.

'Fast-acting grease-removing love'

Boy, when you put on

Those marigolds

You know you set my soul on fire

Just the thought of you

Cleaning the kitchen

It’s like a hurricane of desire

(Chorus)

Oh baby baby yeah

Let’s get antibacterial

I want your, I want your

Fast-acting grease-removing love

Yeah that’s right

Make it hot

Oops I think you missed a spot

I want your, I want your

Fast-acting grease-removing love

See, my hob, yeah

It’s really dirty from that time when I cooked rice (oooooh rice yeah)

So baby, get the Fairy out

I think that it needs a scour

You and me can clean for hours

And boy, my microwave

It’s got some

Weird mouldy shit on it

Think I need another hit

Of your fast-acting grease-removing love

Oh baby baby yeah

Let’s get antibacterial

I want your, I want your

Fast-acting grease-removing love

Yeah that’s right

Make it hot

Oops I think you missed a spot

I want your, I want your

Fast-acting grease-removing love